And I’ve been trying to get this post written for a week. I’ve also been trying to put a reel together for Instagram (see below) for two days, spending hours on it only for it to glitch and undo all I’d done. What appears to be so simple for others in the online content space, often feels pretty challenging for me. Especially given that in the last week I planned and threw a party for my daughter’s birthday, baked a big cake, went to a memorial, attended a women’s circle, worked my regular schedule, and then got food poisoning that took me out for a whole day. That day was the only one I could take, so even though I wasn’t feeling all the way better yesterday I had work commitments. It hasn’t left a lot of space to give my writing the attention I’ve wanted to. It often feels this way. These are the moments when not having a partner really hits hard. I’ve been going it alone for so long, I’m not even sure I remember how that feels anymore.
Speaking of partnership and love, let’s talk Venus retrograde. I don’t think I’ve ever really paid attention to a Venus retrograde in the past. Everyone’s focus is always on a Mercury retrograde that we don’t talk much about the retrogrades of other planets. Venus is the planet of love, beauty, luxury, finances, and entered this retrograde March 1st asking the past to be revisited, reassessed, and resolved. So I’m not just revisiting my relationship past, of which I am almost totally resolved apart from one, I am also revisiting past versions of myself. As my biological age climbs higher, I think a lot about how many iterations of me I’ve been. So I compiled a bunch into a reel for Instagram and you can watch it below.
Now about my love life…
Currently it’s waiting for a rebirth when the moment is right. Of course I have many a poem about my tortured feelings on the heels of heartbreak or in the throes of deep longing. I decided to go all the way back to the first one and share it with you. It’s a poem I wrote in Middle School at what must have been the ripe age of twelve. I think the most illuminating thing I learned is the sentiment and pattern around love and relationships has remained pretty much the same for me. I could have easily written a more progressed or matured version of this any time in the recent years.
It could feel a little disheartening, but the truth is that in the last year I finally feel less woe is me about the whole being unpartnered thing. It might just be that I have way less energy to be upset about it anymore and a whole lot more capacity to lean into what is. Digesting a reality I’m not crazy about has created a lot more room for what could be.
Anyway, enjoy the dramatics of twelve year old me…
In case, its hard to read…
My Turn
I dream of love
On warm summer nights,
I dream of laughter
In the city lights
I dream of someone special
though perhaps I am too young
It seems that my friends all have
someone to hold their hands
They tell me my time will come
and here I stand
Shouldn't it be my turn now?
Do I have to wait forever for a smile?
If only it could be my turn now
All the old loneliness
would be worthwhile
In honor of my birthday, I am celebrating every edition and expression of me. It’s been a wild ride so far. Let’s see what adventures there are to come.
Click below to see the full reel.
To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly. - Henri Bergson
From my heart to yours…
